13 Friday the 13th Sequels We’d Love to See!

Think there’s nothing new to do with the Jason Voorhees mythos? Think again!

By: Toxicka Shock

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For a moment, think about just how much sway Jason Voorhees has on American pop culture.

There hasn’t been ANY “Friday the 13th” movie released since 2009, with the argument to be made that there hasn’t been a “true” Jason movie hitting multiplexes since 1989. Yet every Halloween, specialty shops and drug stores coast to coast are glutted with that seemingly ubiquitous icon of Hollywood carnage — the hockey mask, almost always paired with the nearly-as-emblematic blood-stained machete.

More than some holdover from the 1980s, the American moviegoing masses are starving for some good, old-fashioned “Friday the 13th” mayhem. As venerable and vaunted as “Halloween” and “Texas Chainsaw” franchises may be, Jason remains the torchbearer for excessive cinematic  guts and gore. It’s been a long, agonizing 14 years since the denizens of Crystal Lake have been dispatched, dismembered and disemboweled on the silver screen — and clearly, our post-Trump, post-COVID society longs for Mr. Voorhees to come out of hibernation and return to doing what he does best. 

There’s no secret as to what caused the hold-up. Thankfully, a lengthy back-and-forth courtroom battle over the “Friday” rights appears to have been resolved, which means we can FINALLY see Jason back in action. 

While our long unfulfilled appetites for all things Jason will be remedied shortly with the launch of the “Crystal Lake’ prequel series on Peacock later this year, simply put, we NEED a legitimate, down-and-dirty, bona-fide “Friday the 13th” sequel making the theatrical release rounds … and the sooner, the better.

Indeed, with the rights to the series out of legal limbo, it’s just a matter of time until SOMEBODY gets the green light to resurrect the seminal slasher series. Which, of course, raises the question: what exactly can a filmmaker do with the Jason Voorhees formula in this, the year 2023?

Well, if you think absolutely EVERYTHING that can be done with the “Friday” franchise has already come to pass, here’s a role-call of no less than THIRTEEN different concepts for the next full-fledged Jason feature film. Go ahead, try and tell me you wouldn’t pay good money to watch any of these hypothetical Jason flicks at the cineplex …

That'll be two tickets, please ... to pure mayhem!

Slash Action Park!

As we all know, the “Friday the 13th” series has its roots in New Jersey. And in the 1980s, what was one of the state’s most notorious attractions? That’s right, ACTION PARK — a legendary theme park so infamous for its insane rides, blatant disregard for visitor safety and general debauchery that an entire documentary came out in 2020 detailing the madness in spectacular detail. Naturally, it’s only fitting that the two Garden State icons would cross pollinate in a gore-soaked horror romp, where the possibilities are practically endless. Jason beheading horny park attendees on water slides, the heroes trying to pelt him with flaming tennis balls while mounted on go-karts, loud-mouth Hoboken mooks getting their intestines scrambled while flashing their dicks on the lakefront rope swing — this is a match made in heaven if there ever was one!

Mr. Voorhees Goes To Washington!

In today’s contentious political climate, who’s better suited to straighten things out in D.C. then the Man Behind The Mask himself? How Jason ends up in Washington is irrelevant, all I know is that it would be awesome to watch him turn Capitol Hill into Capitol KILL. Hell, we might even get a little allegorical and squeeze in a subplot about Republicans and Democrats having to work together to survive his star-spangled onslaught. That, and the tagline pretty much writes itself: “this legislative session, budgets aren’t the only thing getting SLASHED!”

Jason Goes To Jail!

Well, considering he’s only killed 200 or something people (and committed thousands of lesser felonies across a span of eight main-line motion pictures), at some point you’d assume that Mr. Voorhees would have to be incarcerated. Which raises the question: how exactly are you supposed to mete out the death penalty to somebody who’s already died like, 12 fuckin’ times before? Imagine an “Aliens” and “Jurassic Park” type horror-action flick here, with guards and inmates alike having to join forces to outlast a rampaging J.V. In a federal supermax. The kills alone would make this one a must-see — shivs, electric chairs and lethal injections, oh my!

Jason Goes Hawaiian!

Jaws has been terrorizing beachside communities at the cinemaplex since the mid-1970s. Isn’t it way past time that Jason got in on some of the “fun in the sun,” too? If you’ve ever seen a 1980s teen sex comedy road trip movie before, you know EXACTLY how this one is supposed to play out. A buncha’ horny kids think they’re going to get laid and get high in one of the most beautiful places on the planet, only for some Tiki curse or something to resurrect Jason from the dead *again.* More than an excuse to show even more bare skin than normal in a genre flick of it’s type, the denouement is pretty much a given — a battle to the death at the summit of a volcano that’s just about ready to erupt!

Campus Blood!

If you thought student loans were terrifying, just wait until Jason graduates to the next level of horror! Honestly, I’m kind of surprised the whole “Jason goes to college” shtick hasn’t happened by now — the film could center on a bunch of fresh who are doing a term paper on urban legends, and wouldn’t you know it, that old Voorhees campfire tale ends up being a bit more realistic than any of them assumed. This would provide the J-Man an opportunity to slink back to his stealthy roots, snaking in and out of the shadows while an incredulous administration does everything they can to cover up the murders. Again, the tagline for this one write itself — “with Jason enrolled, it’’s not a safe space anymore!”

Last Blood!

Let’s face it, we’d watch pretty much ANY crossover movie starring Jason Voorhees as one half of the destructive dyad. Considering he’s already locked horns with Freddy Krueger and Carrie-in-everything-but-name, why not think a little outside the box and pit the Camp Crystal Lake slasher against a NON-horror adversary … JOHN motherfuckin’ RAMBO! Even better, we can set the whole thing in the ‘80s, with Sly Stallone’s iconic mercenary being brought in to exterminate Jason once and for all under the guise of some bullshit Reagan national security excuse. Consider this one to be “Predator” to the nth degree — and a more than appropriate sendoff for two pop cultural giants that shaped the “Me Decade.”

between them, jason and rambo killed more people in the 1980s than the sandinistas and tained tylenol combined.

Jason Takes L.A.!

At one point, this one *almost* come to fruition, only for the suits at New Line Cinema to opt for what would become “Jason Goes To Hell” instead. Basically, if you’ve seen “Predator 2,” you’d know the song and dance for this one. Through some wholly insignificant means, Jason winds up in Compton in the middle of the summer, with street gangs engaged in a bloody turf war. After a couple of dudes get dispatched, the warring youths ultimately have to join forces to bring Jason’s west coast massacre to an end. Like “Jason Takes Manhattan,” this one could take full advantage of the geographical gimmick — hell, we could even make this one a period piece and watch Jason thrash his way through Hollywood in the midst of the ‘92 riots!

Jason … LOST IN TIME!

Considering the character has already been transported to the year 3000 or some shit and turned into a robot, you might as well keep the sci-fi shenanigans rolling with a sequel where  Jason gets stuck in a time loop. And here, the possibilities are virtually limitless. Jason killing motherfuckers during the French Revolution, Jason slaughtering dudes in 19th century London (how else do you explain the mystery of Jack the Ripper?), shit, we can even go full cartoon mode and send Jason back to the prehistoric ages to fight cavemen and dinosaurs! Yes, it does sound incredibly over-the-top and self-parodying and kinda’ stupid. And despite all of that, you KNOW you’d be first in line to see it on opening night, regardless.

Post-Apocalypse Jason!

Lord Humongous, the hockey mask-clad barbarian from “The Road Warrior,” actually predates the hockey mask-clad Jason we all know and love. So why not do a little double-reverse retroactive tribute and merge “Friday the 13th” and “Fury Road” into a cinematic singularity? Really, there isn’t that much of a difference between Jason hunting down horny dope-smokers in Reagan’s first term of office and him stalking down desperate nuclear holocaust survivors in an atomic wasteland, is there? Toss in an all synth-wave soundtrack — complete with Gunship doing covers  of “The Darkest Side of the Night” and “Love is a Lie” — and you’d have a sure-fire crowd pleaser on your hands.

Night of the Living Jason!

Yeah, zombie movies have been done to death (how ironic), but you know something we haven’t seen yet? A living dead epic starring JASON as one of the last remaining vestiges of what we once called humanity. I can see this one working as a mild reworking of the standard “Dawn of the Dead” formula, with a buncha’ human survivors hunkering down in some complex out in the middle of nowhere, with hordes of the brain-munching undead trying to break into the compound and a certain hockey mask-sporting maniac ALREADY slinking around in the shadows, cracking people over the heads with claw hammers while they take a piss. It would take a director with a lot of creativity to make it work, but if it’s successful? It might be the best horror comedy zombie clusterfuck since the first “Return of the Living Dead” flick!

World War Ki Ki Ki Ma Ma Ma!

Well, I’m not really a big fan of turning Jason into a “good guy,” but in this case, I don’t think ANYBODY in the audience would be rooting against him — how about Jason versus friggin’ Hitler? Admittedly, the premise — Jason somehow, someway, getting stuck in France in the midst of Nazi occupation — would be a difficult one to pull off, but the end result is just too tantalizing to resist. Remember how gory the opening scene of “Saving Private Ryan” is? Well, imagine that level of carnage, only for a whole NINETY minutes. Throw in some random occult shit and a subplot about the Third Reich trying to use demonic forces to overwhelm the Allied Powers — which ISN’T historically inaccurate, by the way — and you’ve got all the ingredients necessary for the wildest, wooliest and most outrageous “Friday the 13th” sequel ever. Or the bloodiest WWII melodrama since Tarantino’s “Inglorious Basterds,” anyway.

To Catch A Jason!

The “Friday” franchise has never been adept at wry social commentary, but considering how much society has changed since the first flick came out in 1980, you pretty much HAVE to acknowledge some aspects of modernity for the next Jason Voorhees jaunt. This coal-black comedy could focus on a devoted subculture of Jason admirers who are convinced that he’’s innocent of all those nefarious doings in the first eight “Friday” flicks, and you know the old adage about never meeting your heroes? Well, that’s especially true when said hero turns out to be a nearly seven foot tall, undead mongoloid with a penchant for playing with very sharp instruments. Naturally, “murder podcast” culture would get a thorough skewering in this one — metaphorically and VERY literally.

My Dinner With Jason!

You know, after 12 official, canonical, authorized feature-length movies, perhaps the most inventive thing anyone can do with the tried-and-true “Friday” formula is … not make a “Friday” movie at all. I envision this one as a radical deconstruction of the standard slasher flick, with Jason gearing up to dispatch the latest crop of Crystal Lake fodder … only for the dead meat to, abruptly, cancel their vacation plans and leave Jason all by his lonesome for the entire summer. So, what does a homicidal maniac do when he’s suddenly encumbered by three months of totally unexpected leisure time? It’s a high-concept “anti-horror” movie sure to piss off all but the most avant-garde of filmgoers, and really, the most interesting thing ANY filmmaker can do with a character as predictable and one-dimensional as Jason. Talk about meta — the only thing more shocking than watching a zombie mass murderer vivisect teenagers is … well, watching a zombie mass murderer NOT vivisect teenagers, I guess.

XOXO, TOXICKA