Three Awesome Episodes of “Big Wolf On Campus”!

An ode to a severely underrated late ‘90s series

By: Toxicka Shock
ToxickaShock@gmail.com
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Way back in the day, there was this thing called “The Family Channel.” It was partly owned by Pat Robertson of “The 700 Club” fame and it fuckin’ sucked, even if it did show a couple of reruns of “Shopping Spree” every now and then. 

In the late ‘90s, the channel was acquired by Rupert Murdoch, who rebranded the platform as – what else? – the Fox Family Channel. And as part of the transition, there was obviously going to be a vast overhaul of the programming on the network.

Now, the original programming on the rebranded channel was certainly more miss than hit — as anyone who watched “The New Addams Family” can firmly attest. What was most notable about the Fox Family Channel, however, was its lineup of afterschool kids’ TV programming. While some of the shows went on to become minor cult classics a’la “Braceface” and “Angela Anaconda”, the bulk of the content was weird and instantly forgettable fare like “Walter Melon” and “The Three Friends and Jerry” – an uneven jumble of British and Canadian shows that felt oddly familiar yet utterly alien at the same time.

One show in particularly, however, definitely stood out. From the Great White North came “Big Wolf on Campus,” a show that can probably best be described as “Teen Wolf, except better.”

Now, there is nothing original about the core concept of the program. The titular character is the high school football star, who — surprise — also has a severe case of lycanthropy. But the show takes a great twist, in essence becoming a tongue-in-cheek parody of “The X-Files,” complete with a monster of the week gimmick that threw everything from Frankensteins to Terminators at the audience.

Going back and rewatching a few old episodes, it’s apparent how well written the show was. It did the meta-thing long before it was fashionable and the program absolutely nailed the late ‘90s zeitgeist — hell, even Corey Haim AND Corey Feldman guest starred as themselves in a couple of episodes. Factor in the myriad episodes about pro wrestling, swamp creatures and seductive witches and you have a horrifically underrated program that any horror fanatic would be wise to revisit. 

With Halloween right around the corner, why don’t we dip our collective spoons into the YouTube ephemera buckets and rewatch three outstanding episodes from an utterly outstanding program that only like, three people, even remember?

“Muffy the Vampire Slayer” (Season One, Episode Nine)

Original Air Date: June 04, 1999

NGL, that's a lot more tongue than I thought the family channel would allow.

Yeah, you’ll never guess which popular late ‘90s WB program this episode lampoons. The cold opening sees Tommy’s mom getting eaten (more or less) by a demonic Encyclopedia salesman. Now that is some archaic shit right there. From there, Tommy makes a few jokes about Top Gun and then this super-cute goth girl with a bob cut strolls down the hallway, instantly capturing the attention of manic pixie dream boy Merton.

Tommy returns home and finds out his mom has bought a million billion Encyclopedia books. And apparently, she wasn’t eaten after all, since she’s making an appearance as a TV news anchor — albeit, without showing much emotion at all. Interesting.

We cut to Merton reading an issue of Fangoria, then a fat kid starts choking in the cafeteria and Tommy performs the Heimlich maneuver on him. Then the salesman tries to take over the mind of the mayor of Pleasantville and Merton and the goth girl talk some more about how much they love Marilyn Manson.

Then the goth girl tells Merton that she’s a big fan of werewolves and starts asking him a bunch of questions about said “mythological” creatures. She pulls out a laptop, and what do you know, she’s running a software program called “Werewolf Slayer version 3.0.”

pretty much the moment I knew i was bisexual in middle school..

Tommy asks Merton if he’s noticed all of the parents in town acting all weird and shit. Merton tries to impress Muffy by talking about the time he met Wes Craven and she continues to slowly seduce him so he’ll give up the deets on the purported town werewolf. Eventually, he confesses that it’s Tommy and the next day at school she tags him with a wolf tracker.

Then we see Muffy put on a goddamn leather bodysuit and arm herself with a crossbow and vowto make Tommy eat silver. This, while Tommy meets up with the soul-stealing Encyclopedia salesman at a graveyard. Muffy kung-fus Tommy for a bit and Merton makes the save. He convinces Muffy (using the nome de plume Vesper) that Tommy is indeed a good werewolf and the soul stealing motherfucker is subdued for good. Naturally, Tommy ensures everybody gets their spirit back by — what else? — giving the demonic door to door merchant the Heimlich. 

In the postscript, Muffy reveals that she’s actually a blonde and she doesn’t care for all of that creepy goth stuff and she gives Merton his first kiss as a token of appreciation, I guess. The evil salesman ends up going to a support group for soul stealers anonymous and Muffy ends up getting her own Thursday night television program — which Tommy’s chubbier, layabout older brother thinks is totally unrealistic. 

“Interview With A Werewolf” (Season One, Episode 14)

Original Air Date: July 09, 1999

merton - the original gilf slayer.

The episode begins with Tommy and Merton visiting a flower shop, for whatever reason. The fact that it has an entire section dedicated to carnivorous plants does nothing to pique their curiosity. The kooky store owner tries to set Merton up with her niece, who I’m sure will not be a weird supernatural monster or something masquerading as a hot chick. Don’t ask me how, but the old florist (named Miss Thorn, of course) can make herself look younger by absorbing the life essence from plants. 

So Merton returns to the floral shop and meets up with the old bag disguised as a 28-year-old pretending to be a 17-year-old. There’s also a lot of subplot going on about Tommy and this one girl he’s really into, and wouldn’t you know it, she just so happens to be writing an article for the school newspaper about the town’s purported werewolf. That gives Tommy an opportunity to drop the line of the show: “Werewolves are just made up movie stuff, like Star Wars or Gandhi.”

Merton takes the plant chick to the local after school hangout and she cures his brain freeze with her magic powers. Except this is Canadian, and they don’t call it “brain freeze,” they call it “cold eye.” The final school newspaper article is actually pretty neutral on the werewolf, if not downright positive; then Merton realizes that his hair is turning grey overnight, and hey, where did those facial wrinkles come from?

for a canadian children's show, the makeup effects are actually pretty damn impressive.

Tommy accidentally sees the old chick stealing the life force from some flowers and he tries to convince Merton that she’s slowly sucking the youth from his corporeal form. Since he’s turning into an old geezer (mentally, at least) he doesn’t really care about hearing anything he has to say. 

Merton and the young flower chick go on another date and he she finally gives him a humongous smooch … of death, bwahaha. Meanwhile, Tommy decides to break into his best pal’s basement, where Merton is now, like, a 90-year-old, Crypt Keeper looking motherfucker. Then they do some internet sleuthing and find a newspaper article from the 1920s that give us a little more exposition on the plant bitch. 

Eventually, they decide to ambush her while she’s going for her evening stroll. Merton, of course, is too decrepit to do anything. Tommy goes into werewolf mode and tries to take the plant bitch’s magical locket … just in time for his crush to enter the scene and observe the werewolf apparently robbing an old lady. Miss Thorn uses her age stealing powers to turn Tommy into a 102-year-old werewolf, which naturally produces a slapstick karate fight. Tommy and Merton drink the magical well water contained within her locket and they turn young again. Then the plant bitch gives Merton a non youth-sapping kiss on the lips and in the post-script, we learn that she married his uncle and Merton shows no signs of terminal aging (even though he’s all into butterscotch and The Golden Girls now.)

“The Kiss of Death” (Season Two, Episode 22)

Original Air Date: Oct. 07, 2000

literally better than "The seventh seal.."

Merton enters a songwriting contest (as a cute inside joke, it’s the theme song of the show itself) and his little sister makes fun of him for being a weird dork. There’s a great “Evil Dead” cam ripoff shot and Tommy, in wolf mode, sprints into his house, all worried and shit. Why? Oh, nothing major, just the goddamn Grim Reaper chasing after him.

There’s a flashback sequence where we see Tommy saving an old dude from certain death (literally) and then there’s a fantastic montage where the physical embodiment of death keeps beating Tommy at various board games, including Yahtzee and Clue (it’s an homage to Bergman, for those of you who aren’t total film snobs.)

Y’see, the Reaper is pissed because Tommy tricked him into thinking he was dead after he impaled himself on a gate post (which is some TRULY graphic shit for a kid’s show, now AND back then.) From there we get another montage, showing how much a couple of the townsfolk hate the werewolf even though he’s saved them time and time again from mummies and swamp creatures and … uh, evil boxers?

Merton pours himself a nice, cold chalice of Yoo-hoo and Tommy tries to win his mortality by talking about all the times he’s rescued stray animals and gone toe-to-toe with satanic pro wrestlers to save the world. Yeah, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, this whole episode is just a glorified clip show. But on the plus side, it gives you a really good overview of the show as a whole, in case you don’t feel like sitting through some of the series’ lesser episodes.

Eventually the Grim Reaper decides that Tommy’s life is worth saving — but since death is a zero-sum game, that means he’s going to have to take Merton’s soul as a substitution. He goes full meta when he tries to justify his continued existence, at one point stating that without him, who is going to give exposition one the show while using colorful movie references? If you’re still on the fence as to whether or not this program is genuinely awesome, just wait until you hear Merton’s mini-dissertations on Paul Schrader’s Cat People and Return of the Swamp Thing – that shit is tremendous.

Then there’s a montage of Merton’s sister calling him various permutations of dork and freak (my favorite has to be “Dawson’s Freak”) and the Grim Reaper lamentably allows him to live … but only if he hands over publishing rights to the Big Wolf on Campus theme song. Naturally, the episode ends with Tommy, Merton and their aromantic gal pal jamming out to some generic  rock and roll number. “So  we may not get it right every time, but we try,” Tommy remarks — an utterance which, fittingly enough, would be an excellent coda to the entire series (even though it lasted another season, to be all technical and stuff.)

now here's something you don't see a lot of in late '90s tv shows - white kids having fun.

Like I said upfront, there is a LOT to love about “Big Wolf.” The show had well over 60 episodes over the course of a three-year run and hardly any of them could be considered lackluster in any regard. And with episodes centered on evil bookmobiles, time-controlling wizards and Carrie-like outcasts, there is a ton of fantastic material to nibble and chew on whenever you’ve got an hour or so to spare.

Thankfully, it’s not too difficult to find old copies of the show floating around online and with the gift of 20 years of hindsight, it’s easy to see how ahead of the curve BWOC truly was. It’s a very smart show and one that’s a lot darker and more risqué than most kids-centric programs of its time — shit, how many other children’s shows out there had plot lines about The Exorcist and actual serial killers?

Still, the show maintains a very Canadian charm. As grim and ghastly as some of the episodes may be, there’s always tons of humor and at the end of the day, even the bad guys usually get a chance to redeem themselves instead of getting a stake through the heart. And you have to give a lot of credit to the tandem of Brandon Quinn and Danny Smith, who played Tommy and Merton, respectively. Their bromance chemistry was undeniable and it would be fantastic to see the program get at least a one-shot 25-year-reunion special or something. Until then, though, I’m afraid we’ll have to make do with the 360p VHS rips of “Big Wolf” — and don’t be surprised if it becomes your new binge watch obsession, either.

XOXO, TOXICKA