Five “The Last Drive-In” Spinoffs We All Want To See

Hope you're paying attention, Shudder executives ...

By: Toxicka Shock

ToxickaShock@gmail.com

Twitter: @Toxickashock

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“The Last Drive-In” is pretty much the best TV show on right now, even if it isn’t actually a TV show. 

I’m going to assume that 99.9% of the people reading this are already dyed-in-the-woold, hardcore Drive-In Mutants, but for the uninitiated the series streaming on Shudder features the beloved cowboy movie critic Joe Bob Briggs and his trusty sidekick Darcy the Mail Girl hosting a double-shot of horror and horror-adjacent movies. 

Basically, it’s the same set-up as “Drive-In Theater” — which ran on The Movie Channel in the late 1980s all the way up to the mid ‘90s — and “Monstervision,” which ran on TNT for about half a decade.

From 2000 to 2018, the airwaves were devoid of Joe Bob (who, in real life, is an award-winning author and former journalist with the decidedly less Southern-fried namesake of John Bloom.) 

“The Last Drive-In” was originally meant to be a one-and-done mega-movie marathon — basically, the series finale JBB never got for “Monstervision.” But the traffic on the Shudder platform was so heavy for Briggs’ would-be retirement party that the AMC subsidiary ended up greenlighting back-to-back “TLDI” holiday specials that very same year.

The first season of “The Last Drive-In” hit the ‘net in spring 2019. Recently renewed for a fifth season, Joe Bob and pals have now screened more than 100 movies on the program, running the gamut from silent horror classics like “Nosferatu” to 1980s cult favorites a’la “Heathers.”

To say that “TLDI” is a boon to the Shudder service is almost disrespectful. Powered by a fervent fan base collectively coined “The Mutant Fam,” Joe Bob’s program routinely tops the Twitter trending charts when new episodes debut. 

To illustrate the power of Fam, “TLDI” made the ultra-obscure 1996 straight-to-video schlockfest “Head of the Family” the top U.S. trend on the platform — this, the very same day the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade.

Needless to say, there is a LOT of demand for “TLDI” content and the series — now with four years worth of mythos behind it — is ripe for some serious I.P. expansion.

Indeed, “TLDI” could easily be a “90 Day Fiance” type cash cow for Shudder, with opportunities abounding for Joe Bob and Joe Bob-adjacent programming. Not only could the Last Drive-In-verse stretch its proverbial tentacles outward, it could likely cover enough territory for an entire 24-hour-a-day channel.

The Mutant Fam is in agreement that there could and SHOULD be more “TLDI” content on Shudder. But what kind of additional Joe Bob and Darcy-related programming should take priority?

The way I see it, these are the five “Last Drive-In” spinoffs that make the most sense — and I have a hard time envisioning the hardcore Mutant Fam fanbase disagreeing with ANY of the following possibilities …

Who doesn't love a tribute to roger corman's oeuvre every now and then?

#001

Softcore Sinema with Diana Prince

Darcy’s alter ego is no stranger to provocative entertainment, and who would make a better hostess, historian and curator for that most maligned of sub-subgenres, the softcore porno? Hey, they didn’t call it “Skinemax” back in the day for nothing. 

The proposed program would have more or less the same set-up as “The Last Drive-In,” only with the co-host roles reversed. In “Softcore Sinema,” we would get to hear Miss Prince go off on long tangents about the adult film industry, sex-positivty, cosplay culture and all sorts of other kinky and non-kinky subjects before launching into factoids, trivia and commentary about such long-forgotten gems as “The Bikini Car Wash Company,” “Poison Ivy II: The New Seduction,” and “Virtual Desire” — complete with a “T and A Aggregate” replacing the renowned “Drive-In Totals” (we’ve got four orgasms, multiple pasties, gratuitous unrealistic connilingus technique … so on and so forth.)

Naturally the show would have special guests galore, and Joe Bob has to be incorporated into the program somehow. It’s low hanging fruit, but come on — you mean you wouldn’t want to watch Joe Bob, The Mail Boy, struggle to wrap his head around the mysteries of female sexuality and gender expression in between showings of “Chained Heat II” and “The Bare Wench Project?” Oh and in case you’re wondering, Darcy has already publicly stated on Twitter that she’s more than game for the spinoff … why it HASN’T been filmed already is the only real question here. 

#002

The Animated Adventures of Ernie and The Chili Bandit

Ren and Stimpy, Beavis and Butt-Head, Rick and Morty — every generation has its iconic animated duo, and there’s really no excuse for “TLDI” to NOT  serve as the launching pad for perhaps the next great cartoon comedy twosome.

We’ve all seen “The Regular Show” and “Cow and Chicken,” so you know this hypothetical program basically writes itself. Ernie the bearded lizard is basically Joe Bob in amphibian form, while the Chili Bandit is … well, a goblin in overalls who really, really likes chili. How could the pairing NOT produce nonstop, wall-to wall absurdist humor?

Granted, we’d have to take a lot of liberties in crafting the lore of the program, but I, for one, would love to know as much background on the Chili Bandit as possible. Does he come from a race of mythical creatures long thought to be extinct? Does the chili give him any magical powers? How in the hell did he meet up with Joe Bob in the first place? This show would open the doors wide open for all sorts of wacky misadventures tied into the already expansive “TLDI” mythos. One episode could revolve around the two trying to steal the recipe for Bobo Rodriguez’s famed corn cobbler, while another episode would feature our heroes on a quest to capture the “real” Hogzilla. And just think of the guest star opportunities — hell, we might even get Tom Atkins to voice Ernie himself!

Why netflix and chill when you can joe bob and vhs?

#003

The John Brennan Variety Half-Hour

John Brennan is the virtuoso behind “The Last Drive-In’s” wonderfully weird and gonzo music videos — and he’s a damn talented musician in his own right. So who’s more qualified to star in his own balls-out crazy variety show?

Programs of the like — “The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour,” “The Flip Wilson Show” and “Hee-Haw,” among many others — were staples of 1970s television. One part musical and one part bizarro skit show, the genre mysteriously faded in popularity in the 1980s. If anybody can make the once ubiquitous format relevant again, though, I’d bet the house on Brennan to be its savior.

Think of it as a wonderful goulash of live concerts, talk show banter and mini-movies with that unmistakable Brennan aesthetic and mystique. The concept is a bit difficult to describe concretely, but imagine the music video for “Tiny Little Pizzas,” only 28 minutes longer and broadcast once a week — i.e., a total sensory bombardment that’s a synthetic acid trip, burrito-spawned tummy ache and transgressive art showcase all at the same time. With so many horror-themed and horror-loving bands out there, there would be no shortage of suitable guests for the program, and if I had my druthers, EVERY episode would end with Brennan and pals doing an acapella cover of miscellaneous Goblin tunes. Hey, if Kelly Clarkson can get her own show, John Brennan should have gotten one YEARS ago.

#004

Redneck History

For years Joe Bob has hosted a touring lecture called “How Rednecks Saved Hollywood.” This program would be a logical extension of that one-man show, with each episode focusing on a historic hillbilly and/or white trash-themed motion picture.

Any long-time Joe Bob fan can tell you — the guy can talk, and limiting to him to just half an hour to discuss the minutiae and cultural impact of flicks like “Ernest Goes To Camp,” “Smokey and The Bandit II” and “Gator Bait” certainly wouldn’t prove a challenge for our beloved, loquacious Texan.

It’s the perfect marriage of education and exploitation, really. With his keen knowledge of Scot-Irish culture (or lack thereof) and no-budget independent cinema, JBB is the ideal professor to guide the masses through the furtive social import of movies most people write off as irredeemable sleaze. It takes someone with indelible intellect to expound upon the cultural significance and philosophical brilliance of films like “2,000 Maniacs” and “I Spit on Your Grave,” and there isn’t a better curator of deep-fried degenerate cinema out there than Joe Bob. Even better, you don’t even HAVE to show the movies for the program to be must-see viewing — as evident by his ode to “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” that lasted longer than the movie itself, when JBB gets on a rant he REALLY gets on a damned rant.

OK, so the perfect woman *DOES* exist.

#005

Road Trippin’ with Joe Bob and Darcy

Maybe you’ve seen the YouTube video of Joe Bob and Darcy visiting the famed environs behind “The Legend of  Boggy Creek.” Well, if any two people deserve their own reality TV series, they would certainly fit the bill. Hell, just watching Darcy marvel at Joe Bob’s nearly superhuman ability to absorb Cracker Barrel produce on a nigh daily basis would be better than anything on TLC these days, and once you factor in all of the convention appearances, the looooong car trips to and fro meet and greets and the occasional mega-event such as the yearly Drive-In Jamboree you’d have more than enough engaging and gripping unscripted content to fill the void in between “The Last Drive In” seasons and specials.

Hell, if they’ll keep trash like “Mama June” on the air for the better part of a decade, it’s practically a felony to NOT sweeten the vast wasteland that is “reality” television with a heaping serving of candid Joe Bob and Darcy just going through the ordeals that all niche celebrities go through. Really, who wouldn’t want to be a proverbial fly on the wall while Joe Bob goes shopping for new boots or Darcy tries to explain the nuances of All Elite Wrestling storylines to the unenlightened? 

And that, Shudder executives, is the intrinsic appeal of “The Last Drive-In.” Frankly, we don’t even NEED movies to complement the program. Because watching Joe Bob and Darcy taste test Rocket Pop mimosas and wax poetic on the music of Avicii is gripping enough for OUR sakes.

XOXO, TOXICKA