I Tried “Stranger Things” Plant-Based Nuggets!

At least the "Upside Down" has vegan-friendly options ...

By: Toxicka Shock

Toxickashock@gmail.com

On Twitter: @ToxickaShock

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Alright, so I am *way* late to the “Stranger Things” bandwagon.

The Netflix program has been a pop culture phenomenon for nearly a decade now, but I didn’t get around to watching a single episode of the series until a couple of months ago.

I was skeptical at first, but after breezing through all four seasons to date I can vouch for the cultural consensus on this one. It’s a great show in its own right and not just the 1980s nostalgia-baiting gimmick I feared it would be — a rare show that works as a loving homage to pop culture past while at the same time creating its own distinct vibe and mythos.

That, and goddamn, do I LOVE Nancy’s hair. That shit is meticulous.

As a bonus, “Stranger Things” is one of the most commodified intellectual properties in recent memory. This program has reached nearly late ‘80s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” levels of consumer culture permeation, with the “ST” brand slapped on everything from VHS-themed brownie kits to Baskin Robbins ice cream tie-ins. 

There is a LOT of “ST” merchandise out there, and a ton of it is delightfully weird.

And “ST” licensed products don’t get any weirder than Skinny Butcher’s Plant Powered Protein Crazy Crispy Chick’N Nuggets.

Whereas the aforementioned weirdo food tie-ins at least have some kind of tenuous link to the “ST” mythology or 1980s ephemera as a whole, this particular offering has virtually zero connections to the “Stranger Things” I.P.

There is a lot of blatant product placement on the show — for everything from Coca-Cola to Eggo frozen waffles —but since it’s anchored in the Reagan years, vegetarian-friendly faux chicken nuggets have yet to factor as a prominent plot device. Hell, I don’t even think there have been any explicit references to *actual* chick nuggets on “ST,” so that makes the existence of this edible merch all the more perplexing. 

I don’t know how long this particular product has been on store shelves, but I ended up getting two boxes at a steep discount. As in, they were originally priced at $8 and had been marked down to just $2. Granted, I do live in a state where vegan cuisine (and most civil rights, for that matter) are generally frowned upon by the unenlightened masses, so that’s hardly an unexpected outcome here — “Stranger Things” mania or not.

The product is distributed by a Vernon, California-based company called Golden West Food Group under its Skinny Butcher sub-label. While the box doesn’t really go out of its way to explicitly tell you what the nuggets are made out of, it has the word “vegan” plastered on it quite a few times, so that doesn’t sneak up on you at all.

If you’re that curious, though, the primary ingredients appear to be water, enriched what flour, coconut oil, corn starch and a goulash of textured wheat proteins — pea protein isolates, bamboo fiber, hydrolyzed corn protein, etc. 

And for a frozen plant-nuggie alternative, the calorie load here is pretty dense. The entire package has about 1,600 calories and nearly 100 grams of total fat on top of about 85 grams of carbohydrates. But it’s the salt payload that’s the scariest thing about the product — if you eat an entire box, you’ll consume 3,300 milligrams of sodium. That’s close to 150 percent of the USDA recommended daily allowance for sodium — which, uh, probably isn’t all that good for you and stuff.

As oft the case with frozen foodstuffs, you can prepare these things pretty much anyway you want. Air fry them, bake them in a conventional oven, hell, you can even nuke ‘em in a microwave for about five minutes if that’s your prerogative. And I have to admit, I am pretty surprised by the volume of the product — you’re definitely getting a lot of food for $2, easily enough to feed two or three people.

Aesthetically, these pseudo-nuggets do a pretty damn good job of replicating the “real” thing. Indeed, based on the eye test alone, it would be almost impossible to distinguish these vegan nuggets from a bag of poultry-based nuggets. There’s not much of an aroma from the frozen nuggets, although if you really strain your nostrils you might be able to pick up a light hint of paprika and garlic. 

Of course, “ST” packaging or not, I suppose the only truly important thing here is whether or not the plant-based nuggies actually taste halfway decent. And on that end, I can happily report that these are certainly some of the better vegan nuggets I’ve tried over the years — I mean, it’s not like a have a wealth of experiences in the field, but still.

The nuggets don’t really taste like chicken (which is hardly surprising) but the products still have a pretty nice texture and consistency to them. They’re a lot chewier than I expected, with a savory, sinewy mouthfeel that you normally don’t get from most frozen food section faux nuggets.

Give the manufacturers credit, because they got the seasonings damn near perfect on these things. They’re not really spicy, but they still make your tongue tingle a bit, which is a very pleasant surprise. And they’re pretty filling, too — after about seven or eight pieces, I was feeling stuffed. Keep in mind, the actual nugget bites themselves are fairly large — even at the full $8 retail price, you are getting a lot of food here. And for just $2, I was getting nothing short of a pseudo-nugget smorgasbord.

Of course, plant-based anything gives you a wide canvas to dress up your non-meat as artistically/indulgently as you like. This particular evening, I opted to church my “ST” plant-nuggets with a hearty helping of Chihuahua cheese (which is named after a state in Mexico, not the dog breed, you literal-minded motherfucker you.) Throw in a smoky dipping sauce — a honey BBQ blend, preferably — and you’ve got the perfect binge-watching/binge-eating entree for an all night watch party. Hell, these things are so good I might even break them out for sports viewing parties; the “ST” packaging might be the big consumer draw, but as actual foodstuffs these things DEFINITELY offer more than cute cardboard artwork. 

All in all, I really liked these things. Granted, it’s probably not something you’d want to chew through every weekend (or every month) but as far as pop-culture tie-in vegan frozen foods go, it’s hard to imagine anything on the shelves at Target or Walmart outclassing these buggers.

I guess if you are a hardcore fan and collector of all things “ST” you might be a little put off by the general normalcy of the product. If you’re expecting the nuggets to bleed or taste kooky or look like a monster from the show or something, you’re bound to be disappointed. But even if you’re just buying these things for the package, I suppose you could do worse if you’re on the prowl for outside-the-box memorabilia (although if you intend on displaying these things anywhere, you might want to take the plant nuggies OUT of the container first.)

All of that to say — I liked this stuff. Even without the “Stranger Things” incorporation I would give these nuggets a rave review, but with that instant-nostalgia ephemerality literally wrapped around it, it’s pretty hard to imagine any grizzled fan of the series turning these things down, especially when you’re getting them at a 75 percent markdown from their original price.

Yeah, it would’ve been neat if the pieces were shaped like Dustin’s head or those exploding rats from season three, but I really can’t complain about the holistic product. And who knows, maybe this seemingly random consumer good will retroactively play a prominent role in that fifth and final season?

I mean, think about it. Vecna, vegan … why shouldn’t an otherwise immortal dark wizard’s only mortal weakness be a vulnerability to pea protein-based frozen nuggets?

XOXO, Toxicka