George Carlin, Jurassic Park and Pinball!
Revisiting an episode of a forgotten '90s sitcom that combines three great tastes together!
"Man will always play pinball ... a video game is not a sport, that's the difference."
— George O'Grady, "George Plays A Mean Pinball"
The George Carlin Show (Original Air Date: May 08, 1994)
Every now and then, a confluence of things you enjoy — which, seemingly, are totally disparate — somehow swirl together in unexpected and unusual circumstances.
For example — maybe one day you receive oral sex while eating Dr. Pepper-float ice cream while watching Hellraiser II. Individually, you're a fan of all three, but combined into a singularity? Absolute euphoria on all levels.
Well, here's a less risque example of that very same thing. And, of all things, it comes in the form of a 22-minute episode of a Fox sitcom from the mid 1990s that hardly anybody remembers.
Yes, "The George Carlin Show" was indeed a thing for a while. While anyone with two brain cells can immediately identify Carlin as one of the greatest stand-up comedians of all-time, by that same token you can't help but think that his profane, over-the-top diatribes would not necessarily translate to a PG-13 weekly comedy series.
And judging by how short-lived the program was, you'd be right. Legend has it that Carlin only agreed to do the show to pay off some insane back taxes and stay out of prison. I don't know if that's truly the case, but it sure feels like it.
So yeah, a linguistically-neutered Carlin does not make for a compelling sitcom. But there's one episode in particular that I believe deserves some retroactive appreciation, regardless.
I mean, just how many OTHER TV show episodes have a plot ENTIRELY anchored around a "Jurassic Park" pinball machine?
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| Do you think the "Rat Shit, Bat Shit, dirty old twat" cheer is appropriate for arcades? |
This episode in question, titled "George Plays A Mean Pinball," begins with George complaining about his gum losing flavor while he watches basketball on TV. He finds some feminist literature in his gal pal's purse (that's Susan Sullivan of "Dharma and Greg" fame playing Kathleen, by the way) and he starts making jokes about pantyhose and PMS and she call him a lazy slob who doesn't do anything but sit around all day. Then they go to a bar for a romantic night out (and you can tell it's a really swanky place, since the pickled sausages behind the counter expired in 1988) and the barkeep can't wait to show George his latest long-term financial investment — a Data East "Jurassic Park" pinball machine.
This leads to George making the observation that the pinball game (which he had already played in Times Square) was better than the Michael Crichton book, which was better than the Spielberg film adaptation — although in his estimates, the JP-branded adult pajamas were better than all three.
Then George gets all philosophical on us, describing why he thinks pinball is a genuine sport while video games are not. Esssentially, his argument boils down to the fact that since football, baseball and basketball are all sport, pinBALL, by proxy, has to be considered one, too.
From there we get some boring subplot about one of the supporting cast members having a gambling problem and some gross looking barflies (including one fella who looks like he could've been Joe Spinell's stunt double in "Maniac") talk about boobs for a bit. Eventually, we cut back to George, who scored 47 million points on his first playthrough (it would've been 50 million, he laments, if only he could've found his way into the "bonus hole.")
Then George's girlfriend takes a turn at the table, letting him know that she used to work on the machines back in the day. Cue the emergence of yet ANOTHER subplot about a guy forgetting his spouse's anniversary. Interestingly enough, he's played by the same guy who voiced Roger Meyers, Jr. on "The Simpsons."
Of course, George's GF gets 93 millon points on the machine and sets a new high score. George writes it off as a fluke and challenges her to an arm wrestling match. Then she accuses George of being misogynistic, which results in him dropping the ice cold line "I don't believe women are inferior to men, I believe you're inferior to me." DAMMMMMMMMNNNN.
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| I can almost *smell* the quarters rolling in ... |
After she dumps his ass at the bar, George decides to get a little extra JP practice in. He criticizes the movie for being inaccurate, declaring that most of the dinosaurs in the film didn't actually exist during the jurassic period. A barfly asks him if that includes "the big ugly one with the teeth" — whom George identifies as Jeff Goldblum.
George ultimately racks up a 212 million point score and he celebrates like he just won the Super Bowl or something. Then he goes off on a rant about how its perfectly justifiable for men to be upset when they lose to women, because "physical superiority" is all men have left anymore. Which leads to the best joke of the entire episode, which is worth quoting in full:
"Now they've got women serial killers, women sex offenders, they're even allowed to cut off your manhood and throw it out the car window! What's left except to kick their ass at pinball?"
The rest of the barflies tell George he's going to have to work hard to win his gal pal back. Like, he's going to have to buy her flowers and perfume and shit. Instead, he figure the best way to curry her favor is to — what else? — challenge her to another game of JP.
Then there's a scene where the dude with a gambling addiction shows his bookie a buncha' Polaroids of butt lifts and boob jobs, then George and his GF return to the bar dressed all fancy and stuff. Then George does a monologue about men being stupid and women being crazy (primarily because the men ARE so stupid) and makes a quip about testosterone being the most abused drug in the world. George eventually cajoles her into one more JP challenge — this time, under the rule set of "one ball, winner takes all."
Well, if you're looking for a particularly satisfying conclusion to the war of the sexes, you ain't getting it here. The punchline,essentially, is that George's lady friend is so damn good at pinball that she plays it all night until the bar closes ... with George himself not even *bothering* to follow up her "Tommy" like performance.
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| I mean, I guess it *could* constitute a "Seinfield" crossover ... |
Before the credits roll, we have one final segment — entitled, rather appropriately, "Grumble Vision" — where George reads a fan letter. The particular letter here is from a guy who really hates beer commercials and how the actors in them aren't realistic in the slightest. As you might suspect, George also shares a distaste for "a whole generation of dorky, whiny white boy suburban lame guys out there who think they're cool and the rest of us could give a crud about." Yeah, I take it that "crud" probably isn't the word Carlin *wishes* he could say in the situation, but hey — that pesky FCC and all.
For a nice final touch, you know what actually DOES serve as the background for the closing credits? That's right, actual on-the-field pinball play footage of the game — complete with what I guess would count as an unofficial cameo crossover by Dennis Nedry. I mean, it aired on prime-time, national network TV, so that's fuckin' canon enough for me.
The series as a whole may have been fairly forgettable, but you gotta admit, that was a GREAT episode (it's anti-ending, notwithstanding.)
Of course, it's probably not a sliver of moderately obscure media palatable to all tastes, but if you're an old school pinball fan or a fan of '90s ephemera in geneal it's probably worth drudging up on the YouTubes when you've got some free time.
Too bad the show didn't last longer, though — a spiritual sequel revolving around "Attack From Mars" or "No Good Gofers" would've been tits out fantastic.
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