Revisiting the Best "Married ... With Children" Episode EVER!

 A.K.A, "That one time the Bundys moved into a grocery store!"

By: Toxicka Shock
ToxickaShock@gmail.com
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"A supermarket? Wow! A big building with food! What will they think of next?"

— Peg Bundy, "You Better Shop Around, Part One"

Married ... With Children (Original Air Date: April 14, 1991)

Married ... With Children is the epitome of a guilty pleasure TV series.

On one hand, it's a painfully dated throwback to the late '80s/early '90s zeitgeist, when women were grossly objectified and obese people were mercilessly mocked as "comedy." And while the long-running Fox sitcom isn't without its tastelessness ... and trust me, it has a LOT of it ... it's also a show that maintain a lot of weirdly endearing qualities.

For starters, the show never really posits Al Bundy — as sexist and jingoistic as he is sometimes — as a character to look up to. Indeed, the show goes out of its way to demonstrate just how much of a backwards, clueless loser he really is — sort of a Reaganite/Bush Senior Archie Bunker, only with even fewer redeeming qualities, somehow. Perhaps the subversive commentary on Al's archaic "toxic" masculinity was unintentional, but in hindsight, it sure looks like the writers of the show were WAY ahead of the curve on that one.

The other thing that makes MWC quite a bit different from its contemporaries as its zaniness. This isn't "Mad About You" or "Frasier," this is pretty much "The Three Stooges" with ample masturbation jokes. It's not just a show that takes refuge in the absurd, the show pretty much breaks the fourth wall and takes up residence there. Lest we forget, this is a show where space aliens stealing the main character's socks for fuel is ACTUALLY canon.

Ruffles, retro Pepsi Cola Cans AND vintage Budweiser Packaging ... in ONE SCENE? You've hit the mother lode!

Which brings us to one of the absolute best episodes of the entire MWC run. Granted, this is *technically* a two-parter, but I think the gods of trash television will let that little cavaeat slide.

"You Better Shop Around," parts one and two, originally aired in 1991. And not only does its goofy/crude humor perfectly capture everything that made MWC special, it also has the ADDED benefit of being an unintentional time capsule for early, early 1990s consumerism — complete with an ending that's practically one part "Supermarket Sweep" and one part "Death Race 2000."

The saga begins with a premise that's about as simplistic as it gets. It's the middle of summer and Chicago is going through a sweltering heat wave. And since the Bundys are dirt poor, Al can't afford an air conditioner to keep his family cool. 

After his inflatable swimming pool gets popped and the rest of the brood realizes crowding around a bowl of ice cubes like a campfire won't help them beat the heat, Al finally DOES cave in and get an air conditioner ... by lugging a humongous industrial unit (alleged to be a relic of WWII Germany) back to his place. "The jerries swore by these," Al comments, adding that he spent a whole $17 on the purchase.

When "MWC" brought the big name celebrities, they went *all the fuck out.*

From there, it's a parade of slapstick as Al and company try to assemble the massive A.C. contraption (again, said to be the former personal property of Erwin Rommel.) Naturally, this leads to Peggy making a dazzling array of sexual inadequacy jokes at Al's expense. The shenanigans result in a massive power outage impacting the entire neighborhood — who literally show up at their doorsteps carrying torches and pitchforks like an old Frankenstein movie.

At that point, Al promises his family that he will get them proper air conditioning — and that leads us to the local grocery store, where the Bundys set up lounge chairs right in front of the beer aisle and stuff themselves silly with Pepsi and various Nabisco products. Apparently, Peg has never been inside a grocery store before, so all of the commerce going on is a newfound experience for her. Then a woman offering cheee samples to customers makes the mistake of approaching Al, who — as you'd imagine — takes the entire plate for himself.

Bud finally broaches the question everybody watching the TV show is wondering, which is how long will it take before the store managers realize that they've taken up residence next to the corn tortillas. Sure enough, up walks a stockboy who can't help but notice that they've been loitering there for about four hours. In reponse, Al claims he's part of the "National Supermarket Security Agency" and he's actually doing undercover work to thwart food thieves in the area. Al convinces him that a random old lady is actually a notorious criminal codenamed "Velveeta Annie," and with a little trickery from Peg, gets the senior citizen popped for stealing peanut butter.

don't let the old-school mountain dew bottles disract you from the equally awesome SHASTA cola Cans on the lower rack.

Eventually, bitchy next door neighbor Marcy D'arcy shows up and she lets the Bundys know that she's still pissed about their tomfoolery creating a blackout. Then Al creepily follows a blonde bombshell around the store, dropping random items in front of her so she'll bend over to pick them up. Well, if you're into ciswomen, enjoy the ample T&A — everybody else, I suppose, can enjoy all the vintage boxes of Puffed Wheat and Cap'n Crunch on the cereal aisle. 

Then Al gives his son a high-five for fondling a woman at a bus stop and ... well, that's actually really fucking disturbing, even WITH the contemporary cultural norms of 1991 in mind.

Then the manager tells Al he better buy *something* or else he's calling the cops. All he can afford is a pack of gum, and when he gets to the checkout counter — SURPRISE! As fate would have it, he's the store's one millionth customer, which entitles him to a free $1,000 supermarket shopping spree. Of course, Marcy contend that the Bundy's cut in front of her in the line, which leaves us with a cryptic "to be continued ..." cliffhanger.

Part two begins with Marcy continuing her protests. A higher-up arrives at the supermarket to officially greet the one-millionth customer, but controversy ensues. The official edict? Marcy (tag teaming with her husband Jefferson) and the Bundys will compete against EACH OTHER in the shopping spree, with the first contestant to rack up $1,000 first being declared the victor.

In a scene rife with product placement for Pepto-Bismol and Rug Doctor carpet shampooers, Jefferson announces that he stole a shopping cart from a homeless lady while Al (sporting his old high school football jersey for good luck) wheels out a jumbo-sized cart with a custom hot rod paint job. The D'arcys get penalized for a non-regulation cart, so they have to make do with an in-house cart with a woobly wheel instead.

We get some more exposition on Bundy's cart (apparently, it has Ginsu knives mounted on the front, can launch arrows and was made out of a lawnmower) and then we're introduced to the special celebrity guest announcer for the spree, Jerry Mathers. You know, of "Leave It To Beaver" fame. He cuts a self-deprecating promo in front of Popeye-branded Spinach and Sundance wine coolers and everybody mistakes him for Opie from "The Andy Griffith Show."

A pound of lobster tails for less than ten bucks? we really were living in a utopia.

The race gets off to a rollicking start, with Al's cart causing an oil spill that results in the D'arcys wiping out, Mario Kart style. Jefferson retaliates by hitting Al in the head with a can of V-8 vegetable juice. Bud and Kelly continue to bug Mathers and Al gets some comeuppance against Jefferson by activating his "death cart's" boxing glove attack feature. Well, you never saw THAT particular gag on "Cheer" or "Friends," I can tell you that right damn now.

From there we get a great montage of sight gags, including Jefferson struggling to lug around several watermelons, Peggy loading up on Tang and Al arguing over who can actually lay claim to a douche (and I'm still not sure how that one slipped by the censors, especially for an early '90s program.) As you'd imagine, the scene ends with Al getting maced by Summer's Eve feminine wash.

The D'arcys momentarily gain the upper hand, only for Marcy to lose her contacts right in front of an impressive display of Slice Cola. Then she gets run over — Wile E. Coyote style — by both the Bundys and her own husband.

Then we get to the moment of truth. The Darcy's use cheese wedges to impede the "death cart," but Al manage to snatch victory from the jaw of defeat by rolling a frozen turkey towards his adversariess like a bowling bowl. With Marcy and Jefferson safely capacitated, Al catapults across the checkout and secures the last-second win for his family.

Of course, no MWC episode can conclude with a TRULY happy ending. Right after securing the contest, Peggy runs the cart into Al ... knife blades first. The final shot of the episode is Kelly and Peggy in the kitchen, enjoying a bounty of food and air conditioning, while Al painfully sips a clear beverage of some kind from a plastic cup ... which then cartoonily squirts out of his chest cavities a'la Itchy and Scratchy.

And ... scene.

good luck explaining to gen z kids wha the fuck slice was.

Really, what ISN'T to love about all of that? It's trashy and silly and nostalgic and, best of all, actually has a couple of lines and moments that'll legitimately make you laugh out loud.

Yes, MWC was a show that could be needlessly cruel and un-P.C. at times, but it's so cartoonily over the top that it's hard to interpret ANYTHING it throws at you as actual social commentary. There was a meanness to the show, for sure, but it was always cancelled out by its surreality — indeed, it owes more to Tom and Jerry and the Marx Brothers than it does anything else.

And with all of that in mind, his is the PERFECT vieweing fare for a boring summer afternoon. It's raunchy and hilarious and screwy and filled to the brim with references/aesthetics that'll pull you right back to 1991. 

And if absolutely nothing else? Well, it gives you an opportunity to lament on the comparatively cheap prices of orange juice and toile tissue 32 years ago, I suppose ...

XOXO, TOXICKA