VHS Ephemera: “Hulkamania” (1985)

Revisiting one of the earliest WWF video tapes ever!

By: Toxicka Shock

ToxickaShock@gmail.com

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Hulk Hogan is kind of like that old proverb about the blind men groping an elephant.

Depending on when you grew up, your referential points for the Hulkster are totally different. Kids of the ‘80s remember him as the all-American superhero that conquered Andre the Giant and kept the U.S. safe from foreign interlopers like Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik, while ‘90s kids will remember him as the nefarious ringleader of the N.W.O. that terrorized World Championship Wrestling for the better part of the decade. And if you grew up in the 2000s and 2010s, respectively? Well, you probably remember him as the star of a shitty reality TV show on VH1 and/or the guy who said irredeemably racist stuff during a sex tape.

Well, for the sake of this article, we’re focusing on Hulk Hogan circa 1984. At this juncture of his career, he was in the midst of his first ever reign as World Wrestling Federation champion, and to say that he was a bona fide pop cultural sensation at that point is under-selling it. 

How or why Hulkamania came to exist — or whether it should have at all — is kind of a moot point. Technical wrestling purists may hate his guts for being a media creation, but by the same token, the sheer charisma and presence of the guy fuckin’ made pro wrestling as we know it. As great as guys like Ric Flair and Randy Savage may have been, they just didn’t tap into the zeitgeist of the mid-‘80s the same way Hogan did. Like Mr. T and Max Headroom, he just connected to the masses — and even people who hate his guts with a fiery passion still can’t discount his colossal impact on the industry as a whole.

Which makes 1985’s Hulkamania such an interesting little sliver of junk culture ephemera. As one of the very first WWF-released video tapes, the cassette is pretty light on content (it’s less than an hour and a half long), but it still manages to capture the essence of the era incredibly well. You can almost feel the world of pro wrestling changing into something new as the tape progresses — it may not be the kind of revolutionary you prefer, but it’s undeniably a revolutionary period in the history of the make-believe sport.

And you better believe we’re going to deep dive into this thing like a motherfucker.

how the fuck could anybody miss a spectacle this grand?

The tape begins with this great disco-tactic soul funk butt-fucking music wrapped around a buncha’ brief clips of Andre the Giant and some of his contemporaries body slamming people and shit.

From there, we cut to a young Vince McMahon, Jr. In the control room of World Wrestling Federation, Inc., where there’s a buncha’ old CRT televisions screens all over the place. He calls Hogan one of the most recognizable sports stars in the world, which circa 1985, really wasn’t all that far removed from the truth. 

Before the first match on the tape begins, we get some voiceover from the Hulkster where he talks about how dreaded the figure four leglock submission is. Which, naturally, is a segue to a trip to the Philadelphia Spectrum for the opening contest of the cassette.

Hulk Hogan vs. Greg Valentine (Aug. 04, 1984)

Hogan is the WWF World Champion while Valentine is the WWF Intercontinental Champion, with Gorilla Monsoon flying solo on the commentary duties. Hulk’s belt is on the line, but Greg’s isn’t. Hogan gets an early advantage before we proceed to our customary test of strength spot, which culminates with Valentine kicking Hogan right in his red, white and blue ball sack. Greg applies a reverse chin lock but Hogan just stands up and rams that motherfucker into the turnbuckle pad. Greg bails to the outside and Hogan chases after him, clobbering him on the back a couple of times before tossing his ass back in the ring. Valentine drops Hogan with an elbow to the noggin but it’s only enough for a two count. Greg lands a body slam and works weir toehold submission for a bit. Valentine even manages to whack Hogan’s ankle with a chair, which somehow doesn’t draw a disqualification even though the referee was right there looking at it and shit. Hulk gets a single leg takedown but his wheels are still too busted to get to his feet. Time for Hogan to make his comeback. He shakes off a couple of Valentine punches and drops his ass with the AXE BOMBER clothesline. Then he suplexes his ass and the fans go crazy. Valentine absorbs an inverted atomic drop but Valentine manages to turn the tides with an opportunistic elbow smash off the ropes. Hogan tosses Greg off the top rope and Valentine goes for his patented figure four finisher. Hogan kicks him off, hits another axe bomber, follows suit with a the leg drop of doom and yep, that’ll get him the three-count. Fun stuff that’s a bit more competitive than you might expect.

Rating: 💊💊💊 out of 💊💊💊💊💊

By the way, I’ll let you decide whether or not those yellow and red capsule are meant to be vitamins or steroids. 

even the fuckin' T-shirt couldn't pass a drug test.

Hulk Hogan vs. Big John Studd (Dec. 10, 1984)

So the gimmick here is that not only is it a world championship contest, Hogan can win $15,000 if, at any point in the match, he manages to bodyslam Studd. By now, Hogan has adopted his more familiar red and yellow get-up and the fans at the Meadowlands in New Jersey, obviously, are behind him 110 percent. We have the added bonus of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan joining Monsoon on commentary duties, which always makes matches of the like more enjoyable. Studd is a couple of inches taller than Hogan and probably about 20 or 30 pounds heavier. Also, every time Hogan walks across the ring his butt cheeks seesaw up and down like he had the original Ozempic ass or something. Considering the stipulation, Hogan goes for the bodyslam early and often, but he just can’t get it. Also, Studd is wearing some tight pants and you can see ALL of his dick. Hogan almost drops Studd over the top rope, so we get to see the crack of Big John’s upper asshole for a few seconds. Hogan eats the edge of the announcer’s table and he’s leaking plasma from his forehead. Then Studd tosses Hogan into the ringside barrier so he can bleed all over a buncha’ five years olds in the front row. Studd clobbers Hogan with a clubbing blow off the rop rope, then he drops Hogan with an elbow off the ropes. Just a two count. Studd body slams Hogan and he really spikes his ass hard on the landing. Studd boots Hogan out of the ring again and then it’s time for ‘em to brawl all over the arena floor. A bloodied Hogan Hulks up and manages to bodyslam Studd on the outside, and moments later the ref calls for the bell. Hey, what do you know, it looks like Studd has been counted out, so Hogan wins the match and retains the title. The pacing here is actually pretty good, and that’s a great way to keep Studd’s shtick going. Another surprisingly enjoyable old-school tilt.

Rating: 💊💊💊 out of 💊💊💊💊💊

Before the next bout, we get this weird vignette where Hogan puts natural spring water and protein powder in a blender, along with three eggs and a couple of random fruits. In a hilarious in hindsight moment, Hogan breaks out a bag of “one a day” vitamins, which looks a lot like a dime bag of painkillers. He convinces Vince and Lord Alfred Hayes to chug a glass of his patented blend, and the best part is when Hulk doesn’t even put over his OWN goddamn product. Vince describes the taste as comparable to an “antibiotic,” which is wayyy too close to “anabolic” for it to be a mere coincidence. 

Hulk Hogan vs. Dr. D David Schultz (June 17, 1984)

This one is from the Met Center in Minneapolis. Schultz is one of the all-time great characters in and out of the ring in pro wrestling, perhaps most famous for that one time he legit slapped the shit out of John Stossil on television for calling his profession “fake.” Also, you HAVE to hear some of Schultz’s legendary anti-Hulk promos, where he accuses Hogan of being an on-the-downlow homosexual with a thing for transvestite hookers in San Francisco. No, seriously. Dr. D doesn’t take long before reaching into his bag of tricks, at one point pulling out a rope so he can strangle the Hulkster with it. Dr. D clobbers Hogan with a chair on the outside, which results in Hulk bleeding all over the place. It’s a nasty blade job, for sure. Hogan takes his sweet time rolling back into the ring, where D continues to stomp on him and bite him. Hogan, of course, gets his second wind and starts no-selling everything Dr. D throws at him. Hogan hits the atomic leg drop, but he doesn’t go for the pin. Instead, he tosses Dr. D out of the ring and fuckin’ lawn darts him he’d first into the metal post. Now Dr. D is busted up, too. Schultz misses on a flying elbow drop, which, for whatever reason, gets a slow motion replay. Hulk hits one more axe bomber and yep, this one is all over, folks. Another shockingly fun little match right here, too.

Rating: 💊💊💊 out of 💊💊💊💊💊

i don't know what that font is called, but it sure is boss.

Hulk Hogan vs. Big John Studd (April 06, 1984)

This is a steel cage bout, so you know some motherfuckers are gonna’ bleed big time here. Since it’s a WWF cage match, this  St. Louis showdown at the Kiel Auditorium can only be won by “escaping” the cage either through the door or over the top rope, which I’ve always thought was bullshit, but whatever. Hogan juices EARLY in this match and Studd scrambles towards the open cage door. Hulk drags him back in and pummels him for the inconvenience. Studd gets his face grinder against the cage a couple of times and now he’s bleeding buckets, too. Hogan punches Studd in the face a couple of times and then there’s a pretty good exchange of elbow shots before Hogan eats cage mesh again. Studd thinks about climbing over the steel cage, but Hogan grabs hold of him and drags him back down to the mat. Hogan hits his leg drop finisher on Studd and slowly starts inching his way towards the open cage door. He almost gets out, but Studd grabs his ankles. Hulk manages to kick him a few times and yep, he escapes the cage. Well, it was alright, but nothing really worth going out of your way to experience, honestly.

Rating: 💊💊 3/4 out of 💊💊💊💊💊

Then we got another weird interview with McMahon, where Hulk wears this horrific air-brushed T-shirt that looks like something Napoleon Dynamite drew. He talks about training and the first time he saw a live pro wrestling match. He says Andre the Giant was his greatest influence to get into the ring and watching him kick people’s asses “turned him on.” No, he actually says that. Twice.

Hulk Hogan vs. The Iron Sheik (Jan. 23, 1984)

And what better match to go out on than the birth of Hulkamania itself? Hulk heads into this Madison Square Garden clash as the challenger to then-WWF title holder the Iron Sheik, this evil Iranian dude who hated America and stuff. A month earlier he beat Bob Backlund with his Camel Clutch finisher, so all of the fans here really, really want to see him get his ass kicked. The fans are absolutely nuclear for Hogan, and you can almost SMELL the change blowing in the wind. Hogan blindsides Sheik to begin the bout and even chokes the champ with his own robe. The Sheik eats a clothesline early, with Hulk following suit with a knee drop. The Sheik falls following a big boot, but he kicks out at two. Anytime Hogan hits anything the crowd goes crazy. The Sheik finally gets some offense in and the fans are booing the ever-loving shit out of him. The Sheik locks Hogan in a Boston crab submission hold, but the power of AMERICA and FREEDOM allows Hulk to escape the situation. The Sheik hits a weird looking suplex and in one of the weirdest things you’ll ever see in a wrestling match, he sports a full on ERECTION before applying his patented Camel Clutch finishing hold. Like, even in grainy VHS tape caliber quality you can still see that shirt plain as day. Of course, Hogan powers his way out of Sheik’s submission hold/attempt at public aggravated sodomy, he hits his legdrop and we’ve got a new world champion, folks. Well, it’s not a great match by any stretch, but it’s certainly a historic one that you should probably scope out at least once.

Rating: 💊💊 3/4 out of 💊💊💊💊💊

a crazy iranian with a raging erection is about to mount you, hulk. I'd be scared, too.

All in all, Hulkamania isn’t a bad little trip down memory lane. The matches aren’t exactly all-time classics, but they’re not the outright shitfests so many people on the internet claim they are, either. 

It’s a good time capsule, if absolutely nothing else, giving us a close look at the WWF right before it transitioned into the sports-entertainment leviathan we know today. It’s not going to convert Hulkster haters (and let’s face it, nothing will at this point), but if you want a nice, long gander at arguably the most pivotal transitional year in the history of pro wrestling, you probably won’t be disappointed by the contents herein.

Oh, and if you are a fan, you’ll be glad to know that this wasn’t the only Hogan-centric Colosseum Home Video release — indeed, there’s no less than SIX volumes of Hulkamania to trudge through, barring you have THAT much free time to burn through.

XOXO, TOXICKA