VHS Ephemera: WWF SummerSlam 1991!

Featuring star-studded weddings, misguided Gulf War propaganda and ... jokes about prison rape?!?

By: Toxicka Shock

ToxickaShock@gmail.com

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SummerSlam '91 will always hold a special place in my heart. In a lot of ways, it was the last hurrah of the World Wrestling Federation I knew growing up. Before long, guys like Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior would be on their way out, with up-and-comers like Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels soon to take the reins of the promotion.

So this PPV spectacular, in particular, feels like a major changing of the guard. It's still an old-school WWF production, through and through, but you can still see a few glimmers of what the promotion would evolve into in the rest of the 1990s. I mean, this thing even has a prominent subplot about prison rape played for laughs — pretty edgy shit for something allegedly intended for the elementary school set.

There's not a whole lot of exposition needed here. The Hulkster was still world champ and Sgt. Slaughter was still an Iraqi turncoat bastard who hated America, so naturally, him and two actual Arabian guys had to pay for it in a blowoff three-on-two handicap match. By the way, the Gulf War had been over for months at this point, so the entire feud was a moot point.

There's also a couple of loose ends that get wrapped up quite nicely here, including th culmination of a few feuds that had been simmering for nearly a year. And for what might be the first time in pro wrestling history, the main event for the show WASN'T an actual wrestling match, but a (make-believe) wedding.

And if you think that's peculiar, just wait until you see all the extras included on this old ass VHS cassette.

I'll let you make your own joke about "burning in hell" Here ...

Since this is a Coliseum Home Video release, the video begin with "Mean" Gene Okerlund pimping a couple of upcoming video releases. Then we get no less thean THREE back-to-back action figure commercials starring Rowdy Roddy Piper talking at nine thousand words per minute, followed by a teaser for the ill-fated World Bodybuilding Federation ... in case you needed something that, somehow, was even MORE homoerotic than pro wrestling.

The '91 SummerSlam festivities are coming to you from Madison Square Garden. The opening bout is a six-man tag that pits Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat, "The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich and "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith against The Warlord, Paul Roma and Hercules — the heels, of course, all being managed by the villanious Slick, who I think is supposed to be a late 1970s blaxploitation pimp turned rasslin' promoter. Admittedly,there isn't a whole lot to the curtain jerker, although it is nice to see just how insanely HOT the crowd is for the action. Pretty much everybody involved in the match is juiced to the gills on 'roids, except for maybe Steamboat (who, naturally, gets his ass kicked for half of the bout.) The Tornado finally gets the hot tag and he starts punching the balls off everybody, much to the jubilation of commentator Piper (who is joined tonight in the announce booth by WWF stalwarts Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.) Eventually, Steamboat hits Roma with a top rope crossbody splash and that's enough to give the good guys the dub.

Up next, the Intercontinental Championship bout is on the line as Bret "Hitman" Hart challenges "Mr. Perfect" Curt Henning for the strap. As you'd imagine, this is a technical mat classic, made even better by Heenan's constant belittlement and beratement of Hart's parents (at one point, he accuses them of sneaking into the building, which is a legit LOL moment.) Hart grabs Perfect by the hair and works a long headlock takedown. Perfect finally breaks the hold with a NASTY karate chop to the sternum. The two exchange scoop slams and kickouts before Hart sends Perfect sailing over the top rope. Perfect tries to head back to the locker room, only for Hart to literally drag his ass back into the ring. Perfect slugs Hart with a closed fist punch while the ref is distracted, then he kicks Hart to the arena floor. Perfect slugs Hart again to get out of a flash roll-up pin attempt, then he keeps chopping Hart in the corner. Perfect hits a flipping neckbreaker for a two-count. Perfect dropkicks Hart out of the ring and the champ does some showboating, much to the crowd's chagrin. Perfect locks in a sleeperhold while his manager (a dude simply named "Coach") blows on a whistle in support. Hart escapes and Perfect almost gets the win with a Samoan drop. Hart absorbs more "reverese knife edge chops," per Monsoon. Hart takes another heinous back bump into the turnbuckle post, but that's only enough to register a two-count for Perfect. Henning hits his finisher, the Perfect-Plex, only for HART TO KICK OUT. Remember, this was back when dudes NEVER kicked out of finishers, so the audience is shocked shitless by this turn of events. Hart hits Perfect with an atomic drop and the momentum of the match starts to shift (especially after Perfect is run ballsack first into the turnpost. Ouch.) Hart hits a Russian leg sweep, but Perfect kicks out of that, too. Hart climbs the top rope for a fist drop, but Perfect kicks out of that, as well. Perfect tooks another tumble to the outside and Hart slams him face first into the metal post. Hart keeps kicking Perfect's legs out from under him and then it's time for Hart to lock in his famed "Sharpshooter" submission hold. Coach distracts the ref and Perfect kicks Hart in the balls. Perfect, however, goes to the well one too many times, as Hart eventually grabs Perfect by the ankle, flips him over and gets the Sharpshooer applied. Perfect submits and we've got ourselves a brand new IC champ. This is definitley one of the best WWF matches of the early 1990, and if you've never seen it, what the hell are you waiting for?

steroids, homoeroticism and blind patriotism ... yup, the eighties are *ALMOST* OVER, folks.

Up next, Mean Gene interviews THE BUSHWHACKERS, who promise to whup The Natural Disasters' asses in honor of Andre the Giant, who apparently got blindsided by Earthquake a couple of weeks earlier. Wow, is it sad seeing Andre so close to death. For those of you unfamiliar with the Whackers, well, they're these two New Zealanders who LICK the faces of fans (including children!) on their way to the ring. Good fuckin' luck making that fly today, obviously. The Disasters, conversely, are two humongous dudes. The other guy is Typhoon, who used to be called Tugboat and ... alright, this is way too much exposition. Piper makes a bizarre comment about the Whackers, claiming they're full of "Americana," which doesn't even BEGIN to make any sense. Well, I suppose it's not a surprise to anybody when I tell you this match isn't all that good. The Whackers get some offense in early, but it's only  a matter of time until Quake and Typhoon get the upper hand. One enormous ass splash from Earthquake later and this contest is DONE. In the post-match tomfoolery, the LEGION OF DOOM (the Road Warriors, not the guys managed by Lex Luthor) scare the Natural Disasters out of the ring before they can do any more damage. Meh.

Heenan shows up at Hulk Hogan's dressing room door and shows off Ric Flair's belt to him. Hogan, naturally, just slams the door in his face.

Then we watch SEAN MOONEY interview "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase and his gal pal "The Sensational" Sherri. This leads to a video recap of his feud with his former bodyguard/servant Virgil. This leads to Piper making a VERY risque joke about Sherri, claiming that when she doesn't shave she looks like a shrub. Anyway, this bout is for Dibiase's "Million Dollar Belt." Y'see, Dibiase's gimmick is that he's so rich that he just had his own championship belt made for him. Virgil unloads on his former employer at the bell, but he ends up wiping himself out on an ill-advised body splash to the outside.Dibiase slams Virgil into the metal ringside steps and clobbers him with a clothesline back in the ring. At one poiint, Virgil tries to put away Dibiase with his own "Million Dollar Dream" submission hold. Dibiase, of course, is saved by his manager, who proceeds to clubber Virgil upside the head with the old dreaded loaded purse chestnut. Announcer Howard Finkel states that Sherri has been exile back to the locker room and that this match WILL continue. "She's used to getting thrown out of places," Piper drolly notes. Dibiase launches Virgil into the ref like a no good sonofabitch and hits him with a couple of suplexes, leading to Heenan making a probably racist joke about Virgil putting a down payment on a boom box. Piper keeps screaming "come on Virgil," even after Dibiase spikes his ass with a piledriver. Then Dibiase kicks the referee and unties one of the corner turnbuckle pads. Virgil, of course, reverses it and slams Dibiase' face first into the exposed metal. The referee miraculously comes to his senses and starts to count out both me. Virgil slowly slinks over his opponent's unconscious body and he gets he dub AND his former boss' vaunted Million Dollar Belt in the process. OK, that was some fun sports-entertainmenty bullshit right there, y'all.

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Up next, we've got Mean Gene interviewing the villianous Mountie, who, as fate would have it, just so happens to be feuded with his American counterpart, The Big Boss Man. Admittedly, this bout has one of the most brilliant gimmicks I have ever seen in 30-plus years of watching pro wrestling; whoever loses the match has to spend the night in a New York jail cell.

I don't care what any of you workrate snobs on the internet have to think, this match fuckin' rules. It's just two big, burly meaty men punching and clobbering on each other and it is GLORIOUS. The Mountie, being the no good Canadian bastard he is, thumbs Boss Man in the eyes to gain a momentary advantage. By the way, it's not a Confederate flag on Boss Man's uniform, it's what was then the official state flag of Georgia. The Mountie tosses Boss Man into the metal steps and Heenan makes an "I've fallen and can't get up" joke. Of course, considering the gimmick, it was only a matter of time until Piper made at least ONE joke about jailhouse sodomy. Then Gorilla Monsoon makes a funny about manager Jimmy Hart being a walking advertising for birth control, which is actually pretty risque by early '90s WWF standards. The Mountie hits Boss Man with a piledriver and he sells it like automatic death. "I wonder if he will get a tin cup to bang against the bars," Heenan comments. With the ref distracted, the Mountie grabs a goddamn cattle prod and threatens to electrocute Boss Man (who, thankfully, rolls out of harm's way at the very last second.) Boss Man hits Mountie with the Boss Man Slam (essentially, the precursor to the more famous "Rock Bottom" finisher) but the Mountie kicks out. Then the Boss Man hits The Mountie with an Alabama Slam outta nowhere, and the Mountie is OFFICIALLY off to the slammer. "I never thought I'd like that sound," Piper says of the wailing police sirens as The Mountie is carried off to the pokey in a paddy wagon.

And even if you don't like wrestling, per se, you have to love the post-bout tomfoolery with The Mountie actually being booked into (what I presume to be) a REAL correctional facility, especially the part where The Mountie starts reading the Miranda rights to HIMSELF. This is just straight up goofball comedy excellence, with the Mountie protesting having his mugshot taken and manager Hart claiming it's a violation of his right to privacy. Then he starts breaking into a Quebecois accent and LITERALLY gives the cops a middle finger salute during his printing, which is something I CANNOT believe flew past the radar.

We've got a potpourri of backstage interviews on tap before we segue to our next match, which sees The Nasty Boys putting their tag team championship belts on the line against the Legion of Doom. As you'd imainge, this thing is just an out and out brawl, with no disqualifcations or countouts applicable. We've got aersol spray cans being used as offensive weapons, Road Warrior Hawk having a bucket of soda pop dumped on his spine and Animal whuppin' EVERYBODY's ass when he finally gets tagged in. "The surgeon general should put a warning on this match," Heenan remarks. The LOD use a motorcycle helmet to clobber the Nastys and one Doomsday Device off the top rope later, we've got new tag team champs. Well, it's pretty hard to do a PG-rated no DQ brawl, but they tried ... albeit, with middling results.

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Following a brief update on The Mountie (who has finally been locked in general population), we're treated to a total throwaway bout between Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and Irwin R. Schyster ... the latter of whom is an EVIL IRS accountant. The veteran Valentine, for those of you unfamiliar with his visage, is a dude who looks JUST like your sixth grade gym coach — the butch lesbian one, to be precise. Unsurprisingly, nobody in the audience gives a shit about this thing, although the two men in the ring at least give it a little effort. Eventually, IRS wins it when he counters Valentine's figure four leglock attempt with a flash roll-up pin.

We follow that up with a double promo from Huk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior, who promise to kick Sgt. Slaughter's ass for America. Our special guest referee for the three-on-two main event is Sid Justice, who used to be called Sid Vicious and later became Sycho Syd. Basically, he's a huge dude with a hairdo like the dad from "Sister Wives," so we all hate him on principle.

Slaughter commands "The Triangle of Terror," which is also comprised of General Adnan and Colonel Mustafa (better known as The Iron Shiek, btw.) Well, it's not a terribly competitve bout, with Hogan and Warrior pretty much having their way with the traitorous scum from the get-go. The heels ultimately manage to gang up on Hogan, thanks in no small part to some very suspicious referring on Sid's part. And sorry, I can't help but LOL at how much Adnan looks like Tony Danza. It's uncanny, really. The Warrior finally gets the hot tag so EVERYBODY has gotta' eat clothesline. Pretty much everybody involved in this match is sucking wind at this point, including the ref. The Warrior chases Adnan and Mustafa back to the locker room with a chair, which gives Hogan an opportunity to toss powder in Slaughter's face and put him away for good with his patented atomic leg drop finisher. And give Heenan all the credit in the world for having the balls to ask "what kind of powder IS that" on a live PPV broadcast. In the post-match nonsense, Hogan rips off Sid's shirt so he can show off his muscles and stuff. Goddamn, and you wonder why so many '90s kids turned out gay and shit, sheesh.

Speaking of homoeroticism, we've got one more visit to the jail, where The Mountie is accosted by a big, burly dude with a lisp who asks him if he likes the feeling of leather against his skin. I genuinely think this might be the first time I saw a "gay" character in pop culture, and fuck you, this segment STILL makes me laugh all these years later. I mean, if you can't enjoy watching Canadians get butt-fucked for comedy, what CAN you laugh at?

i'm almost 100% certain this is the first time i saw a "homosexual" in pop culture ...

The rest of the PPV is dedicated to the much ballyhooed marriage of Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, which includes a long and AWFUL music video with this Captain and Tenille ripoff krooning about how their "love will last forver." Well, not to spoil anything before you ge to "The Dark Side of The Ring" episode, but, uh, they didn't. Heenan makes a crack about Elizabeth buying her wedding dress from K-Mart and I legit LOL. "The ringbearer's really a midget, I found out," Heenan follows suit. Holy shit, Bobby Heenan ruled the world.

The marriage ceremony itself is pretty straight-forward, with Macho Man making words like "betrothed" sounds really funny when he has to repeat them. Going against convention, for once, no bad guys come out to disrupt the ceremonies, as streamers and shit fall from the rafters while Macho and Elizabeth share their matrimonial smooch. We throw it back to Lord Aldred Hayes, who puts a nice, florid, poetic bow on the festivities. Then we get a VHS exclusive performance by "The Fast Fingers Orchestra" and some bonus footage of Macho hamming it up in the post-wedding reception ... which, of course, was emceed by Mean Gene. That wedding cake did look pretty good though, I'll give them some credit there.

And just when you think the ceremony is going to go off without a hitch, LOL, Macho opens up a package with a GODDAMN COBRA in it. No surprise who's responsible there — do you think it might be the handiwork of Jake "The Snake" Roberts? Sure enough, Jake and best pal The Undertaker do a sneak attack on Macho, before he's saved by Sid lugging around a wooden chair. And on that note ... this tape is OVER.

Well, that was a really fun show. Hart vs. Perfect is a legitmately great match and the Boss Man/Mountie and Virgil/Dibiase tilts are sports-entertainment done right. A couple of the matches were just kinda there and the main event was a considerable letdown, but even when the in-ring action sucked you still had Bobby Heenan saying all sorts of off-the-wall shit to make up for the doldrums.

If you were weaned on the WWF in the '90s, it wouldn't kill you to revisit this one in full. It pretty encapsulates the zeitgest of the early, early '90s as a whole — in the sense that even when it's subpar, it's still oddly enjoyable and endearing.

XOXO, Toxicka